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__tuesday, may 18 2010

May 18, 2010
by

take a break my child
hiding behind fake smiles of over cast and droopy eye lids
tossing,
turning,
eyes blurring focus within a [too familiar] dreamers tale
where are the dreamers? i am all alone.
and i lose myself between the hours of 9-5
as if a victim driven mindset molested your solace
feeding me each breathe for breakfast
with vengeance

lost focus, inspiration, motivation and satisfaction
sad really
and i’ve grown so accustomed to accepting my defeat
fingerprinted moments had begun to fade
amnesia now vacating the frame worthy moments
and for the most part, i welcome it this way

i forgot to remind myself of all of this before you
locked eyes, found hips
forgotten lips
bruised moments

breathe heavy my child and count to ten
dawn may bring new days yet we remain fixated upon the past
rewind, rewind, pause and obsess.

silence.

or is it just me?

the thought of anxiety driven emotion sprees
my fingers lost count
medicine cabinet numbing this sense of confusion
i’d feel alive but, only for the moment
until i lost myself again, completely – in the middle of what i am and what i used to be
what i will be, what i want to be and what i need to be

we
before me
before i
before you

i felt myself flat line
25 years of life flashing beneath eyelids focusing on 3
throwing up the lies, the hatred, the waste
allowing the taste to rot between my cheeks
gargling what ifs and what fors,
somewhat, forcing myself to enjoy each taste for far, far too long
obsessive compulsive disorder brought on new meaning
i gave up, gave in, forgot who i was
who i was becoming and where i was headed
i forgot it all.
i forgot it all.
sat in silence and respected it.

& now i rebuild

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